The horsemen curtains fic
by fractured sun
Summary: The definitive curtains fic:- The horsemen take a trip to Ikea to decorate their house... Methos just wants to get some nice good quality shelves and keep the body count down.


_A/N: This is most definitely not meant to be taken seriously. This came from a conversation between layla_aaron, aeron_lanart and myself so credit where credit is due..... It's not my fault, it theirs.... except the bad grammar, punctuation and terrible execution, that's all me._

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Shopping with his brothers had never been Methos' idea of rest and relaxation but now they controlled most of Europe it made sense to get their house in order before taking over the United States.

Methos leans on the shelf unimpressed to see them wobble. These wouldn't do, the wood would be buckling under the weight of the bound journals in no time not to mention the stone tablets he wanted to store. Ikea obviously didn't have the truly dedicated bibliophile in mind when they designed this range. He turned to the oak shelves trying to ignore the argument in the curtain section.

"This one has horses on it and we are the horsemen." Silas pointed out reasonably enough,

"That's not horses it's My Little Pony and it's for little girls. Where have you been living for the last century?" Caspian sneered "This one's better, it's red, I like red it makes me think of food."

Methos shudders, now Caspian has made that connection he thinks he prefers the awful pastel pink choice, every time he sees the red one now he'll think of Caspian eating. Fortunately if he knows Kronos, and he does, biblically, he'll overrule them both anyway. On cue Kronos shoves them both out of the way and picks up a roll of blue fabric "We're getting this one, anyone who doesn't like it can use their skin as a replacement."

One of the huddled shop assistants makes a strange mewling noise before taking the brief distraction as a chance to run away very fast. Unfortunately Kronos is never that distracted and the shelf Methos was considering is splattered with arterial spray and a then little bit of grey matter. Methos sighs, he has to find another one now blood and brains will corrode the papers. Besides he has changed and civilised over the years and he doesn't want 'shop soiled' goods, oh yes and bloodstains are no longer his thing, he really must remember that bit. He glares reproachfully at Kronos who either doesn't notice or doesn't care, probably both. He sighs as they move to the wallpaper section, maybe he's better off over here looking at the bookshelves.

Methos winces as Caspian and Silas immediately pull out their choices of wallpaper, he's fairly certain Kronos will veto the teddy bears on Silas' selection but suspects he'll like Caspian's choice. Seeing Kronos' nod of agreement and ensuring he was well protected from flying daggers by a sturdy wardrobe Methos decides to speak out, after all he might have to live with these choices for a very long time, "That shade will clash horribly with the curtains."

Kronos scowls at him but so far has made no move to kill him so he points out a different roll. After a long pause Kronos picks it up passing it on to Silas to carry. "Fine, we need plates."

Methos smiles happily as he finishes pulling at the shelves of this last bookcase, it is nice and sturdy and should take the weight of even his library. He turns to the blubbering shop assistant who was given the dubious honour of following him round the shop, on pain of death "I'll take twelve of these tall ones and six of the half height shelves. You do have enough in stock don't you, I'd hate to have to come back."

He smirked happily as the man quickly scuttled off to provide him with what he needed, death and mayhem may no longer be his thing but shopping with Kronos, whether by barter in amongst the ancient villages of tents or in the modern chain stores, had always meant excellent service.  
He sighed at the sound of smashing china as Silas shoved Caspian into a display, and Kronos hefted his sword as if to cut the plates down the middle. Seeing a group of sale assistants return with his shelves he took the opportunity to gesture to them to follow him. He paused and picked up a plain white dinner set as he passed them ignoring Kronos, standing in the middle of a pile of smashed plates as he threatened the others back into line.

He had the staff help him load the van with his shelves depositing the plates on the front passenger seat.

"Thank you, I suggest you run for some help, now we have everything I can get my brother's out of your store before anyone else gets killed." He watched as they took off he was pleased he had managed to keep the collateral damage down to only 2 dead, there was a scream from the store, 3 dead. And, even harder, he had found some good quality shelves.


End file.
